It was the early summer of 2020. My friend had moved back to our hometown just before lockdown. His relationship fell apart not afterwards and a few weeks later came the posts accusing him of all sorts of behaviour. I suppose it doesn't even matter if these accusations were right or wrong anymore. At the time, I had made a decision to support my friend. Not because I thought he was without blame. That really didn't matter to me. But because he needed help. It wasn't right to leave my friend alone without any support in the midst of lockdown facing a very public cancellation. I needed to be there and to work through whatever had happened. Indeed, even the original posts or his ex-partner said his friends needed to be there for him. I knew that if anybody had to support my friend in this situation, I had to. I had made my decision, but I didn't want to tell others what to do or how to feel about it. That was for them to decide.
Once lockdown began to ease I drove back to my hometown to see him. We would go on long walks for hours and talk through everything that had occurred and how he was feeling. It was on occasion difficult and there were disagreements and challenges. I wouldn't expect anything different and I don't think he would either.
This went on and on for months. It was hard for everyone. Just when you thought it was over something else would surface. While I never questioned my decision to stand by my friend and support him, I was constantly questioning my approach. In the midst of that first lockdown I would ride my bike almost every evening. I would stop on a hillside and spend some time contemplating if I was doing the right things and what I could perhaps do differently. There is no blueprint or textbook on how to deal with the situation I was in. Everyone talks about accountability but it's rare to find any example of what that actually means. Although I did have support from friends, there was never any suggestions on what could be done. There was sympathy but nobody knew what to do in a situation like this. I wouldn't expect them to either.
I should have expected it but I wasn't quite ready for the backlash. I started to get messages on WhatsApp displaying screenshots of somebody on Instagram or Facebook lamenting the fact people were still 'friends with an abuser' just hours after I had spent time with my friend. There would be tirades about how I was turning a blind eye to everything that happened, and suggestions that I was carrying on as if nothing had ever happened. There was also gossip and hearsay. I'd be told that I'd come up in conversation at some gathering and been found guilty of being a bad person through association and implication; "Oh I knew there was something about him", "I never really liked him." Occasionally there would be presumptions about me based on my identity too. What else was to be expected from a man from a working class "rough" town? I realised quickly this was all aimed at denying my any agency in my choices and fitting into a cosy predetermined framework where things, and in this case me, could be placed into nice boxes labelled good and bad.
For a while I felt a degree of anger about all this. I wanted to get in these people's faces and let them know they were wrong. I wanted to right the misconceptions and tell my side of the story. I wanted to say "I've spent months and months speaking to my friend and working through these issues. It hasn't been easy", "I witnessed violence as a child and it's been one of the things I've had to reflect on and navigate throughout my life. Don't make such assumptions about me", "I question what I can do to make things better every single day." On top of all that, I started to get emails telling me somebody was trying to access my social accounts by using my mobile phone number to activate a password request. I would often sit there asking what people would think if I made this information public.
But as time went on, I began to realise that none of it really mattered. If somebody wanted to find me guilty of some ethical transgression based on who I associate with and misconceptions about my own position then let them. I realised I don't need the approval of people who feel confident enough to pass such judgements. Nobody was doing to change their mind based on what I said or did. II think in many cases people just wanted an excuse to show that they were a good person. There was easy material there to show they were righteous and if it meant settling some petty grudge they have against me at the same time then so be it.
To add to all this, it became increasingly difficult to find any refuge online. In the midst of lockdown it seemed like everyone was reading texts and sharing their latest thoughts on topics relating to everything I was going through. I'd look at Twitter, Discord or any other space I was in and see that somebody else had been cancelled and a seemingly endless amount of threads dictating what punishment and justice for such a person should be. It was the same thing over and over again. Everywhere I looked I found these ethical dilemmas that related to my own experience that could not be resolved. It all felt so superficial. In the Autumn of 2021, I began to talk to a few friends online about what had happened. It was at that point I realised I had spent time almost every single day for over a year thinking about this stuff. And it was no clearer to any resolution.
As lockdown eased and things began to open up, it quickly dawned on me that things wouldn't go back to the way they used to be. A lot of my old social circle had disintegrated following everything. I sensed a low level tension was still present and permeating and felt that I wouldn't be welcome in the spaces I used to frequent anymore. That was quickly proven right when I visited a bar and saw some people who had been involved in this drama who would once stop and chat to me but instead totally blanked me. On a few occasions I would see somebody else I once shared company with walking down the street and they would just drop their head upon seeing me. It became all too predictable.
I would ponder to myself "Should somebody who had committed the most heinous of crimes, such as murder, have a chance for redemption? I believe that, yes. Do my friends and others believe it? I would think so, yes. Then why are we at this impasse over things that pale in comparison?" The conclusion I drew was that in the absence of clearly defined immorality and a way to resolve these issues, it is easier to settle for something resembling banishment, a premodern and cruel form of punishment. We don't have any actual frameworks that deliver any form of justice or redemption for these things whether they happen in a social capacity or a criminal one. People wanted my friend, and by association me, to just go away and never come back. Get out of town and don't show your face here again. Often I think people came to this conclusion because it was easier than having to think about the issue nevermind formulate a form of justice - something that could be done or actioned - that would begin to put things right. On top of this, I found some people just didn't want to talk about any of this. It was easier to just shy away from it all because it was so difficult and caused people to experience a great degree of anxiety. Although I don't blame people for this, it did reinforce the whole sense of banishment and being branded that I experienced.
Throughout this whole period I began to expose myself to more and more literature and media that was situated in questions of immorality, justice, and redemption. I would spend hours reading about different theological understandings of these topics and why different religious concepts had been so revolutionary when they were first articulated. For example, just what does mean to love ones neighbour? What does forgiveness and redemption from sin mean? This was important for me. It wasn't a question of faith or belief but rather confirmation that these topics have been thought about for thousands and thousands of years and they have never been easy to resolve. The discourse of social media paled in comparison. A thread on Twitter, a story on Instagram; none of it really meant anything bar a desperate attempt by the author to show they're one of the good guys. Who could be so certain of their ideas that they could express them in all their totality in such a brief and fleeting way? Needless to say I felt a great degree of guilt and shame about how I had engaged in this behaviour in the past. I would think about the times I had tried to prove I was smarter and a better person than others and resented the egoism and narcissism I had laid out so bare. I realised that it was time to log off.
At the same time, I didn't want to retreat into bitter nihilism. I resolved to at least try and act in a way which I thought was right and true. I thought about some of my own silly arguments and fallings out with people and thought I would at least try and put things right and show there was no animosity anymore. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes it didn't. I also decided to focus on things that I found fun, fulfilling and interesting where there wasn't a sense of a guillotine hanging over everyone involved to be on the right side of whatever topic was in vogue at any given time.
It's a strange feeling I have these days towards it all. By all accounts, all of the drama is over and everyone is free to socialise again. I've been told over and over again that everything is ok now. People seem to be carrying on as if nothing has ever happened. I've had people tell me they wanted to speak out at the time but just couldn't. But, I can't just carry on pretending like nothing has ever happened. A more fundamental rupture seems to have occured and I feel a dissociation towards it all. What happens when this sort of thing happens again, as it inevitably will? Will somebody else go through all the same things I did? Will it all be forgiven after a few years? I don't know and I guess the main thing I've learnt is that I no longer care what the answers to those questions are. My energy and focus is better spent elsewhere. I suppose in a way I'm thankful I have learned what I have and not spend anymore time living the life I used to live. I made my decisions all on my own and stand by them. I just want to carry on by following a path I know is right.
